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Thursday, December 8th, 2005
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2:32 pm
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| Wednesday, May 4th, 2005
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7:47 pm
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7:44 pm
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| Sunday, February 27th, 2005
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7:19 pm
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Tengo un dolor de cabeza y muchas cosas para hacer para maniana,
mas que nada cosas de portafolio para lo de la universidad esa
en Chicago. Si todo sale bien, y si tengo mucha suerte me dan beca
dijeron, asi que al menos intento.
Tambien tengo que terminar la parte de atras del disco de Christian
que me pidio que haga, la parte de adelante quedo re linda ven:
Ahora la parte mala es que no puedo "half-ass" la parte de atras
porque quedaria muy incoherente todo. Sueno re idiota en este
momento escribiendo en castellano.
Parece como muy traducido e idiota. Damn.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, February 18th, 2005
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12:19 pm
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Last night I had coffee at around eight in order to get more things done at night, but I think it was too much caffeine or something, because I worked until three, and started feeling like I wanted to sleep, and tried and tried. My Dad got up to go to work at five and I was still up, I talked to him for a little while, and finally must have fallen asleep at around six. As I lay all that time tossing and turning, I began thinking about how I miss certain characters from Argentina. I mean characters just because their maybe not much more than that, but function a bit as a visual time line, with voices and expressions that help make an account of our lives and what has happened to them. It happened mainly because I was remembering people like ghosts (even though I'm the ghost now, it's stupid to pretend otherwise), and thought about this really tortured anorexic girl that used to live near my house or I used to live near her house, you know, it's not like she moved anywhere. I met her when I was 15, and she was 16, and we where waiting in line to go see a band. It's funny how when you're still in highschool one year seems like so much more. Now in real life you just shrug it off, but I think at the time there was something impressive, without being exactly impressive about it. Then we would sometimes bump into each other and talk about art and the "pieces" we where working on, and it was all so funny and pretentious of us, even though 16 and 15 is not that young right? Maybe I knew more about what art was meant to be and all of that when I was still outside of everything. I've been thinking a lot about outsider art too, and I feel silly now with all this, but there is something so extremely pure about it, maybe that is in a way why I am having a portfolio review on Monday to see if I can transfer to the School of the Art Institute of Chicago, financial aid willing. I'm not so sure about that school, I mean sometimes I look at the catalog and it seems too conceptual for me, but I feel hopeful about Chicago in the way I felt dead about New York city. I don't know too much about it really, but that's good, I imagine it very windy and cold and sometimes very sunny. And I like it mainly because some of this outsider art I was talking about came from there. They shouldn't have classified it just like that, but still, there must be some secret good there. In my mind it's like a new city, where things could begin boiling again. I knew too much about New York to not feel extremely disappointed with it. But then again, I was in the wrong (ridiculously and cruelly wrong) school, so that may have had something to do with it.
So anyway, I got to thinking about that, and how in a new country there hardly are any characters like that. I mean, you start building up on them, but it takes too long, and they're really too irrelevant to remember much. Like I guess my sister is stocking up on characters when she comes home from work and tells me about how one of the lesbians was wearing a Harley Davidson (or however you spell it) jacket or things like that, and I know that she's adapting better. There's no going out here with the fear of bumping into old classmates or crushes or nothing at all like that, and after a while it starts feeling pretty weird. So I don't know, just that, I guess I'm not saying much as usual.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, February 7th, 2005
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10:05 pm
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This is a few weeks old, from my sketchbook. I have more time off now, lots of time off as a matter of fact, and I just don't want this journal to be so dead. There are so many people I still read and care about and it seems pretty cheap to not update everyonce in a while. I have to answer many emails to all of my friends as well.
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
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12:35 pm
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So I have about one more day to decide what to do with next semester. Either I enroll, or I don't and there's no wasting anymore time thinking. Tomorrow I will be going to New York to take a drawing class in the afternoon, and as I'm at it I have to go to Parsons and get all the signatures I need to transfer out (more like drop out, whatever, even though I will be transferring my semester later, just didn't make it to the spring deadline to schools). I still don't know what to do. I'm well aware of the fact that my choices here are very limited, that I'm in a new place where I don't have friends, and that my time off from college would be extremely boring and perhaps extremely unproductive as well (which could be the same thing if you think about it). I have this tendency to let go, which bothers me because it shows how much this robotic lifestyle has kicked into my system, but the thing work this way: either I'm totally wound up, and I work like crazy, I sleep too little and my mind is constantly focusing on what to do next, or I don't do anything at all, and anything, even sitting down and answering an email, is a strain for me.
I don't want to become that way, and let myself sink in, especially being as, like I said before, it's not like I KNOW any people around here or anything, and would be able to hang out or any of the normal activities people do.
If I went back to school I could take two classes less then what I was taking last semester, turning my week into a three day frenzy but nothing else. Imagine having long four day weekends everyweek?
But then three days or five, I would still be attending a horrible design school were I shouldn't be to begin with, listening to dumb fashion majors, surrounded by them! Hell, everyone in my school wants to be a Fashion Major!! At least I give some credit to the people that want to go into product design. Even the name of that major is boring. Product Design. There's a girl in my class who is going into that and she looks like she could be the prototype for a Korean doll, she smiles with all her face. I liked her, and then I also like this other girl that was into product design as well, even though she says she's going into fashion, I think she's too cool and like a robot to go into fashion. In the 3D design class she would start talking to her model, like getting all exited about how everything was working, and then she would laugh at my jokes, but like REALLY laugh. I always love a person that appreciates my sense of humor. The Korean girl is like a robot too. Robots are cool. I was the most anti-robot person in parsons though, or at least one of the unlucky few, which made my life there pretty grueling and monotonous. Things are more complicated when you think.
On the last day though the 3D design guy announced that I had finally turned into a little more of a robot. It was officially my clockwork orange moment of the year. "I am cured".
I was thinking of calling my roommate and asking her nicely to remind me of how much I hated school. Everything is blurry now, everything seems so easy to pull off. Why do I do this to myself? I think the mind has this tendency to shut off horrible periods of pain and suffering. I really do. Because I tend to notice that I forget so easily, or pretty easily, about very bad moments in my life, it's not that they go away, it's just that they land way back in my mind, and I can't really look them in the eye as I'm sorting out memories.
I had though of attending this really nice school for the spring semester. it gives you no credits, but you learn so much. I actually had an interview there and they said I could attend even though the deadline was past. It's called the New York Studio School and it's right across the street from my dorm. But then I wouldn't have a dorm anymore, and would have to get an apartment really quickly, I don't know how I could work that out. It's everyday and a three hour commute would be very difficult.
For the time being I am taking a drawing class at the Art Students League twice a week, just to maintain my sanity, and to see people, I do like New York, its just that a school like Parsons, and dumb rich people make me hate it. Idiot internationalists.
Then there's option number three which would be the easiest, taking the rest of my classes in a community college so I could live at home in CT and maybe take and Art class in New York the way I am doing right now. My Art History teacher said I would get pretty depressed in a Community College. I don't know, is it really that bad? It's not like the people at my school inspire me or anything anyway, so socially it would be pretty similar. Not that similar but whatever.
I don't want to write anymore. I've been working on my portfolio and that was nice, I missed doing things on my own for my very own. I would like to do a picture post someday with my things, drawings and stuff, but everything has become to much of a secret, I can't really explain it very clearly.
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, November 25th, 2004
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1:22 pm
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I really think I made a scene on Tuesday at school. It is really driving me crazy. I am seriously bored out of my mind, and everyone is so incredibly dull there. I just don't know what to do anymore, and if feeling better it is only because the semester is ending. I think I have a plan though, about next year. I'm not that sure about, but it is the most reasonable. All other plans seem like a stretch, but this one, it's a bit more honest than the things I've been working out lately.
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Sunday, October 17th, 2004
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12:17 pm
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I feel ok today, but I'm at home. And Friday felt good too, but maybe that was only because it was the end of the week, and well, I honestly didn't even go to my Friday class. I think I already told you that. It wasn't on purpose though, I fell asleep. I don't know why I was so tired, it's not like I stayed up doing homework or anything, I think it was just the air all around my bed telling me to stop this nonsense of running around a city in ruins. How can a place that used to be so neat all of a sudden be so boring? What happened during all this time I was not born and has now dissappeared I always wonder.
Maybe it's that I'm boring, I know that is the main reason. I'm too afraid to move. I feel like the little mice in that movie by Alain Resnais, "Mon Oncle d'Amerique". After a traumatic situation comes a state of inhibition, movement is suppressed. A gradual breakdown of the senses is followed. In this experience which is the third I believe, the mouse is in his little cage wrapped in wires. A warning sound is produced, the electric bolt is turned on, and its little white body is shaken, nerves shattered in his wire box. It moves towards the sides, but there are no doors to escape. It looks for another of his kind to hit or grab, thus persuading the pain away, but there is no one. It is alone in its cage and there is no escape. After this first experience the mouse does not move. It knows that whatever it tries will be of no use. Inhibition.
I think of the land of the unborn a lot. I am thinking mostly all the time in something that gives meaning to a world that does not care and I have dreams about this energy. They are not illuminations, I do not think, but I did check a few William Blake books out of the library. Only I was discouraged to find that the author in the first experience quotes the famous doors piece ("If the doors of perception were cleansed we would all see the world as it really is infinite" -something like that right?) to later move on to explain his personal experience with hallucinatory drugs. It was a strange combination in my mind, and painful when placed aside the image of Blake. Is that what he would be today? Just another good for nothing drug addict perhaps, filing his edges away in the corners of buildings and shut off houses.
I am apprehensive (I keep thinking of that poem by Francesca Woodman)
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(22 comments | comment on this)
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12:14 pm
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| Friday, October 15th, 2004
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11:00 am
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I didn't go to school today but I'm in the university computer lab about to do some homework. That's pretty sad. But I might as well do something. I never do anything fun anymore. I saw a sign the other day when I was going to the hardware store that said The Cramps are playing. I don't get it. Weren't they like, somewhat wellknown in the 80's? What are they doing now? Will it be as dumpy and horrible as I imagine it?
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
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1:09 pm
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I'm home for the weekend and that feels nice. It's so quiet here.
My sister said that if I don't post something she will not allow me to read her journal anymore, so if only for the sake of getting to snoop around in her life I will let everyone snoop around in mine. I know, it's not snooping, it's all this livejournal voyeur/exhibitionism thing that keeps us all typing away. I have so much to say and so little. Mainly because all I have to say is school related and mechanical, like some robotic industrialized plee for mercy, in which the ticking of the clock has turned into my heart beat, and the rumbling of the subway the flow of blood in my veins.
I used to live in a city.
"Agonia, agonia, suenio, fermento y suenio.
Este es el mundo, amigo, agonia, agonia.
Los muertos se descomponen bajo el reloj de las ciudades,
la guerra pasa llorando con un millon de ratas grises,
los ricos dan a sus queridas
pequenios moribundos iluminados,
y la vida no es noble, ni buena, ni sagrada."
I lived in Buenos Aires, which is the main city in Argentina, and everything was fast paced if you went downtown, and everything was confusing and dirty like cities tend to be. And everything was unholy. But it was different. There was always an escape, a passage in time. There was always something that let you step aside from all the action and observe patiently without been pushed away. And now all I want is to step aside and observe but I am always in the way of something or something is in my way, and I sleep too little, and the schedule is fixed and nothing is mine. New York is fine, but I definitely don't love it.
I think I loved it when I was there with my parents, and I was going home to a house that is almost in the middle of the woods, with squirrels and rabbits and deer running around it.
It really is that way over here, I'm not exaggerating. If you look out the window there is big pine tree which a family of brown rabbits have adopted as a home. Everyone I've talked to feels that way.
We all love New York when we know we're going home at the end of the day.
If I manage to write all the papers I need for school I will finish watching THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY. Sunday last week was especially bad, because I didn't do any school stuff, and I didn't get the Bergman afternoon that was planned out so thoughtfully in my head. Nothing like Bergman to finish a weekend.
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, May 17th, 2004
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10:04 pm
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| Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
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5:42 pm - I am stupid
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You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams
Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're
actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their
assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they
build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd
be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.
Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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5:39 pm
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You're Switzerland!
While most people think you're sort of stuck up, it's really
just that people don't interest you that much. That's why you'd rather
just stay out of everything and be as neutral as possible. Somewhere in
there is an ability to be a psychiatrist because you're so objective, but you
might just be too cold for that.
Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, February 22nd, 2004
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1:48 am
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| Saturday, February 14th, 2004
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12:37 am - A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS
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I have this thing to finish (if only it was just that, there is so much more piling up) for the portfolio, just that I'm not sure what a full length self portrait is. That's what they're asking for, but I'm not sure how that would be. Face (duh) and torso, or whole body?
Somebody please help!!!
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(9 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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12:21 pm
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Things are finally starting to work out. I finished this yesterday, I decide to just make it an entire collage, even a collage of my own images and I like it. It's more like a carnival than a circus, because of the strange creatures.
(THE IMAGE HOST I WAS USING DIED ON ME WILL NOT PUT UP NEW LINKS- BASTARD)
Then I started this and finished it last night. That was fast. It was going to be just my cat, the one that fell out the window when I was finishing high school and these butterflies that I copied from a book I got out of the library, but the board was so big and it was missing something so I just drew myself. I am very ugly sideways, I was fascinated, though, as I painted, by the uglyness. I exagerated the lines, it looks like this really tacky thing from a $1,99 store, or one of those calendars in the 70's, the really tacky ones. It would have to have a sunset though. But it's funny, because I don't really care. I kind of like it, even if it would fit perfectly in a fifteen year old's room. It would look good in my room anyway. The room in the house in Connecticut where Diana A. Drake is currently residing has pink walls, and pink curtains made of a shiny synthetic cloth. I thought at first that Francois Hardy was perfect for it, but now I'm not sure if it would match the times.
And this is something I finished a while ago, one of my bird people.
Oh, and maybe someone could tell me how to do that "(see more)" thing that people do so that they don't fill up other people's friends' lists, I always wonder when I put many pictures like this, if people are hating me.
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(22 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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12:15 pm
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| Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
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9:35 pm - You're a ghost lalalalalalalala
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Now I'm boring and all I ever do is post pictures. I will not work anymore. Yay! I hate working. I can sleep all day. I'm so tired. I did come here to rest after all.
Being an only child is sometimes not much fun.
DAMN YOU IMAGE HOST
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(10 comments | comment on this)
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lady_midnight's journal
